The Illusion of Control

22 Aug

Ya’ll are going to laugh at this one.

So the nurse calls today to tell me she scheduled an appointment for me with a neurologist. She warns me that I’m going to be shocked, and then she proceeds to tell me the first appointment she could get is January 14. Five months from now!

I’m not kidding.

Is there a shortage of neurologists that I’m not aware of? Is there a law that says they can only work one day a week?? I don’t get it. If I’m still dealing with headaches like this five months from now, I will be completely insane.

I actually started crying when she told me that. Not like big heaving sobs because I work in a cubical and I have to keep some composure about myself so as not to freak out the nice guy who sits next to me, but there were a few tears trickling down my cheeks. At the time she told me this, my head was hurting pretty bad. I had taken my migraine meds, but it hadn’t kicked in yet. The thought of waiting five months to talk to someone about my headaches seemed so . . . unreachable. So I cried. And crying is so helpful when you have a headache. Yeah, right.

That’s when it hit me – I have completely lost control. I made it through a year with cancer, didn’t fall apart when I was diagnosed or even going through first line treatment, but now these headaches and this neck pain are going to take me down. How can that be??

I’ve started putting the pieces together. I’m a little slow sometimes, but I eventually get there. :)

I’m having hot flashes. I’m having headaches. I’ve also started having crazy mood swings where I want to cry at the smallest things or I’m mad about nothing at all. My concentration is kaput and I feel like I’m living in a foggy state most of the time.

I would bet money the headaches are related to the hot flashes, mood swings, etc. Since I’m 43, it could be chemopause or it could be the real deal. Either way, it’s wicked. I will be seeing the doctor soon to confirm my suspicions and, hopefully, get a plan for dealing with this.

As I sit here writing this, thinking about how everything inside of me feels so out of control right now, I am reminded of the truth that I’m not really in control anyway. My sanity, my peace, my healing, my joy, my sorrow, my relief, and my life are all in God’s hands.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. – James 1:12

Have a wonderful Wednesday!
♥ Rachel

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12 Responses to “The Illusion of Control”

  1. Cynthia August 22, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    Rachel, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. A few weeks ago, I got my stage 3 CLL diagnosis. I had my first 2-day round of chemo a little over a week ago. It feels good to wake up every morning and see what you’ve posted!

    • rachturner August 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

      Hi Cynthia – I am so sorry about your recent diagnosis! I hope your first treatment went well and you are feeling good and strong. A cancer diagnosis is terrible, but I’m learning that there are a lot of good things that can be found within it, too. As long as we are willing to keep our eyes open and look for them – we will find them. Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. jlpaddock August 22, 2012 at 6:57 am #

    I have been learning the same lesson (my entire life) but more profoundly this year. I don’t think I ever knew what the feeling was to not control something…until there was quite literally nothing I could do except pray. I always thought I was offering up control to God but really I was holding things back. But to fully let go for me is somehow terrifying and freeing at the same time. Psalm 46 has been my go to verse during this. It is easier to relinquish control when I remind myself who God is. Praying for your headaches. xx Lynnea

    • rachturner August 22, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

      Hey Lynnea – I totally get where you are coming from with the control thing and all I can say is DITTO. :) I hope your radiation treatments are going well. Praying with you.

  3. Laura Allen August 22, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    Rachel, I really feel for you, but I think you are on the right track, I know already that you trust GOD, so look for some alternative solutions for these headaches because the meds you are taking aren’t cutting it. You have to be as careful with natural herbs as the traditional, I got my own book that tells of any side effects or warnings that don’t use if you are taking…..etc. If it is menopause or chemo related, look more to the biodentical for hormones, cause it replicates the human body natural and goes to the root rather then treat symptoms, read a lot on this subject, Suzanne Sommers has a book on it, although I haven’t read it but heard some on tape before, personally I lean toward more of the ayurverdic medicine. Right now, you are your best health advocate. Praying for you, ALWAYS HOPE, Laura

    • rachturner August 22, 2012 at 1:17 pm #

      Good advice, Laura. I am doing my research and will be discussing all options with my doctor very soon. Thanks for your prayers!

  4. mainelyhopeful August 22, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad (((Rachel)))

  5. Cara Olsen August 22, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

    But 5 months really does seem ridiculous . . . I’m just going to say that. You would think they would figure something out, even if you needed to drive a ways. But I think much growing happens in the waiting. I know that, personally, God is doing Big things in the waiting I am experiencing. One step at a time He is bringing me closer to the cross.

    Praying for you sweet lady. You are so strong, such an inspiration to me.

    Much love to you,

    ~ Cara

    • rachturner August 23, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

      5 months is totally ridiculous. I will have this solved by then! :) If we need to, we can find a neurologist in Atlanta or Nashville. You are so right, Cara – lots of growing takes place during the waiting periods. Growth we wouldn’t experience any other way. Keeping you in my prayers. Stay strong. Love ya.

  6. Charlie Wilson August 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    1) I find it so humorous to watch people who really think that they can control their lives, and even more humorous or sad when they think they can control the actions of others.
    2) So you have super, extra-premature menopause? Sorry bout that.
    3) I had to wait two months to see a spine doctor who neither listened to anything that I had to say, nor paid any attention to my MRI. In Gwinnett County, my step-son promises that there I would not have to wait longer than 10 days to see any specialist. He has an M.D. friend who could give a recommendation if you decide to go out of town. My father-in-law had to wait only about two weeks a couple years back when he needed to see a Neurologist in Chattanooga. (actually Hixson) Not sure how good they are, but I wil get their name if you are interested.

    • rachturner August 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm #

      Hey Charlie – Thanks for the info. I’ve started physical therapy and I’m hoping that will help. Plus I have another doctor’s appt on 9/11 so I’ll see how I’m doing then. I may take you up on the recommendation/referral, though, if I’m still having headaches after that. Thanks for the info! Hope you are doing well!

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