Feeling Vulnerable

30 Jul

It wasn’t until my hands started shaking that I realized how worried I had been.  When Jamie (my nurse) said, “your MRI results are good,” I honestly felt like crying.

But why?  I wasn’t scared.  Or was I?

source: pinterest

Worry is such a sneaky little devil.  We appear – on the surface – to be fine, not worried or overly concerned.  We even are able to convince ourselves of this lie that we believe as truth.  But then something happens that draws our worry out into the open – and there it is.  Just as bold, weak, and unnerving as ever.

Looking back, I now see I was much more anxious than I realized.  Headaches are nothing new to me, so that part wasn’t surprising me.  The frequency of the headaches was (and still is) concerning me along with the pain in my neck, which I’ve never had before.

I kept telling myself, they were just being cautious – and they were.  I kept reminding myself, this was just routine for someone in my situation – and it was.  As we waited for results, I told myself if it were serious they would have called more quickly.  I came up with all sorts of rationalizations for why the MRI would not find anything serious.

But my heart.

My heart worried even though my head remained calm, cool and collected.  My heart pondered the possibilities.  What if it’s a brain tumor?  What if it’s something that’s spread already and that’s why I’m experienced pain down into my neck and arm?  What if the sinus infection reached my brain or worse, what if it’s an aneurysm?  I’m not kidding, people – these are just some of thoughts that I had!  :)

Cancer happened once.  It’s not silly to think it could happen again.

As it turns out, with all thanks to God, NONE of that became my reality last week.  And the fact that I didn’t realize how anxious I really was is directly related to the fact that so many of you were praying me through.  THANK YOU!

Having cancer has made me vulnerable in a way I’ve not experienced before.  It’s made me mentally, emotionally, and physically susceptible to the traps of the disease.  The physical side of cancer is just one fraction of the disease.  The effect it can have on other areas of your life can be just as harmful.

I know that at all times I am no further than one sentence away from another cancer diagnosis.  That’s a sticky reality to try to leave behind, especially when I am reminded every eight weeks that I’m still trying to get rid of this booger.

So, what’s a girl to do?  Let the fear cripple me?  Become consumed with worries about what might be?  No.  That’s no way to live.

I have to make a choice.  A choice to live without fear of what the next hour will hold.  A choice to live this amazing life that God has given me.  A choice to love the people in my world who have blessed me in so many ways – and that includes all of YOU!

Today, this Monday, I’m going to breathe in all the goodness, blessings, and joy I can find and thank God for every second of it.  Will you join me?

I felt pretty decent over the weekend.  Neck still hurts, but I’ll talk to the doctor this week and see what we should do.  I’ve had three people describe very similar symptoms to me and all told me their problem was related to a herniated disc and/or bone spurs.

♥ Rachel


4 Responses to “Feeling Vulnerable”

  1. Cancer Warrior July 30, 2012 at 7:06 am #

    Me too Rachel, I have to keep reminding myself to live in THIS moment, not lament about the past or worry about the future. Today I will join your in your challenge of being present.

    • rachturner July 30, 2012 at 9:13 am #

      We only have today, this moment. Yesterday is done. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and there’s no use speculating what it will bring. It’s not easy, especially for those of us who have been “bitten” by cancer once. But if anyone can meet this challenge, it’s you Florence!

  2. Julie July 30, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    Oh, you are such a gifted writer. Thanks for your honesty. Praying that the docs find the answer to your HAs soon- they can certainly drain and wear on you. Praising our Father with you today that the scan was clear. Except for confirming your brain which I knew WAS there all along! Love you!

    • rachturner July 30, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

      Thanks, Julie!! Going to see the doc on Friday. Hope you guys had a great vacation!

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