Today was pretty good. On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being the best), I felt a solid 5. That’s a significant improvement from the weekend when I was running in the 2 and 3 range. I went to bed Sunday night frustrated at how yucky I felt. I’m not sure why because after six treatments, it’s nothing new and it’s certainly not a surprise. I think I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of the word “cancer.” I’m tired of chemotherapy. I’m tired of tests and doctor’s visits. I’m tired of feeling tired. Waaahhhhh. :) Sounds a little bit like a pity party, huh?
I had hoped back when all this started that after six treatments, I would be done where I could walk away and not think about it for years. But now I know there is more work to be done before that can happen. And the thought of that makes me tired, too.
So I went to bed and my mind was restless and I didn’t sleep well. Again. I used to be a Master of Sleep. I’m not kidding. Just ask my family. If they ever were going to give away a college degree in sleep, I (and my sisters, too!) would graduate Magna Cum Laude without even trying! Normally, if I’m stressed or worried, my mind and body automatically shut down into sleep mode. Not lately, though. No, sireeeee. Not blessed with that gift lately. :)
Lately, my mind doesn’t want to shut down. Maybe it’s worry or apprehension or just distraction by all of the possibilities. I’m not sure. I am sure the fatigue and nausea do not help my mental state and I know that once I start to physically feel better, my mind will come along.
I woke yesterday morning and sat down for my quiet time. Remember, that’s one of my spiritual goals for the year? Can’t slack off, even on bad days because that’s when I need it the most. :) I was reminded by the devotion author that God is in charge of the timing of events in our lives and that I can overcome anything with just a little faith (and patience). I may be tired of my circumstances, but He may be just beginning with some tremendous blessings if I’ll just wait for them and trust Him.
In addition, the devotion mentioned these three verses:
For nothing is impossible with God.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
If God is for us, who can be against us.
I read these words and took a long, deep breath. I just needed to be still and soak them in. It felt like they were meant just for me because they were the words my heart needed to hear at that moment. I hope they bless you today, as well.