Monday was a good day. We got flu shots (yuck) – all with the blessing of my oncologist. Work was busy, but good. Trying to cram five days of work into two can be a little challenging. :)
I’m pretty certain, based on past experience, that there will come a moment this week when I will tell Barry that I don’t want to do this anymore. That I don’t want to have cancer and be sick. Because it’s just too hard. It might even involve tears because tears seem to follow treatment. He’ll gently remind me that I don’t have a choice, that it won’t last forever, and each treatment is one more closer to being finished. But still…I will contemplate how nice it would be to not have to do any more chemotherapy, to not have to feel as horrible as treatment makes me feel, to not have to schedule my life around feeling good and not feeling good.
Giving up is not an option because the alternative would be to allow the cancer to continue to grow until it eventually takes my life. Nope, that’s DEFINITELY not an option. :) But there are moments when I wish I weren’t in the middle of this. Moments when I don’t want to put the effort into it, when I would just like to crawl in bed and stay there until it’s all over. Typically, I have these feelings and emotions on the days when I feel the worst. When I feel physically bad, it’s tough for my mind to remember that 1) this is not permanent, 2) it could be worse, and 3) this is all for my own good.
I would imagine some of you feel the same way at times when you are being physically or emotionally whipped by an illness or situation. It’s Tuesday. A new week just began and maybe you are feeling tired, frustrated, or run-down. Maybe life has been hard on you lately, possibly a little too hard if truth be known. Maybe you are starting yet another week without a job and feeling the burden and weight of rejection and financial concern. Maybe you are waking up to another week filled with grief and a pain so sharp in your heart you wonder how it doesn’t kill you. Maybe you are facing a serious health crisis of your own, or even a chronic illness that is unrelenting in its attacks on your body.
When we are in these dark places, it seems impossible to think it will ever get better. It seems improbable that we will ever get the call about the job or wake up to a day without feeling the heaviness of grief sitting on our chests. And we fear that the physical pain we are currently experiencing may never go away.
This time around, when the darkness starts to set it, I’m going to do my best to remember that it’s in those dark crevices where God’s love shines the brightest:
He is our strength when we are weak.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
He is our comfort when we grieve.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
He is our peace when we are anxious.
Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
He is our healer when we are sick.
But I will restore you to health, and heal your wounds, says the Lord.
He is with us when we are afraid.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,
for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I’m going to keep these verses close by this week to remind myself that His love is true and He will give me what I need when I am not strong enough to do things on my own.
Have a wonderful Tuesday!